listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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