I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
