why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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