i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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