dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
