best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
