I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How does one acquire holy water?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
