I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
