you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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