Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
