My liver just broke up with me...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
