Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
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You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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