I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
