it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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