Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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