Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
