I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
