forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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