maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
