Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
