I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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