Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
