Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
