Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
