he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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