Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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