so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
