It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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