How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
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she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
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i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.