the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.