im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.