Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
