Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
