The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
