I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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