So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
