Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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