I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
