It's like God shit irony all over that family
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
