apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
