Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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