pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
