I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
