Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
