fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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