You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
