threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
