god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
