She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
