dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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