the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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