apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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