Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
