I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
