hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
