My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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