***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
