Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
