Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
