sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
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I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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