onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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