Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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